helping kids with ANGER is the title of a short ebook in a suggested post that appeared in my Facebook feed several weeks ago. No doubt the social media giant offered this in response to my recent searches on books and articles related to parenting for our Wednesday night Bible study. This particular ebook was produced by a ministry called Connected Families and authored by Jim and Lynne Jackson. Prior to seeing this suggested post, I was unfamiliar with this couple and their ministry to parents and families, so I thought I would give this resource a look.
God’s word holds the insights we need in every situation, including dealing with angry kids.
The introduction begins with a subheading, “Let Insights Drive Your Strategies,” followed by Ephesians 4:26-27, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” We need wisdom in parenting, not because being a parent in 2024 is more difficult than it was in previous years, but because we only get one chance to raise the children God has given us. I am convinced that God’s word holds the insights we need in every situation, including dealing with angry kids.
Unfortunately, instead of filling the next 36 pages with biblical insights, the Jacksons focus almost exclusively on their own insights developed from personal experience. Lynne says, “I’ve learned a lot over the years about dealing with my own anger, as well as that of my three kids. Additionally, I bring over two decades of experience mentoring parents, both as an Occupational Therapist working with children with sensory and behavior challenges, and as a Certified Life Coach providing in-depth parent coaching.” While I’m sure that these experiences are valuable, I wonder if the foundation of personal experience is as important as a deep commitment to Scripture and confidence in God’s wisdom above all else in raising the children he created and has given to us.
While I do have some significant criticisms to level against the views expressed in this ebook and the parenting philosophy it represents, it would be a mistake to dismiss the insights entirely. I will offer a brief overview, trying to represent the main ideas fairly and accurately, identify things that are helpful, and conclude with the critique.
Insights & Strategies
After the introduction, the body of the booklet is divided into two sections: four guiding insights followed by three practical strategies.
Insight #1: Judgments keep us stuck
The idea here is to dig beneath the surface and try to identify what is going on inside of parents when our kids struggle with anger, to recognize how our own reactions and judgments are fueling our kids’ frustrations.
Insight #2: Sensory overload feeds anger
This insight seeks to look beneath the surface of our kids and see why they are struggling to control their emotions. Lynne suggests that most children with intense anger control issues are troubled by an overly sensitive nervous system, which triggers a fight or flight response when confronted with emotional and sensory stress.
Insight #3: Anger is highly addictive
The premise here is that anger has the effects of hiding more vulnerable emotions, numbing pain, giving a sense of control, and regulating levels of emotional intimacy. These payoffs can lead to habitual, angry outbursts.
Insight #4: Kids need skills to manage anger
This insight is based on the premise that anger is neither good nor bad, but is rather a sign of what is important to us. Teaching kids to respond positively and constructively when they feel angry is an important parental responsibility.
Strategy #1: Build “addiction-busting” skills
This section responds to each of the four payoffs identified in Insight #3 which make anger highly addictive by offering an alternative truth claim to believe. For example, instead of relying on anger to hide emotions which make us feel vulnerable, parents should teach children that it is safe to express those sensitive feelings. This principle is accompanied by an activity meant to help children discover the emotions that may be hiding beneath their anger and various practical tips on how to apply it to children of all ages. Each of the four anger “payoffs” receives this kind of treatment, making this the longest part of the booklet.
Strategy #2: Soothe outbursts
In order to deal with tantrums and meltdowns, Jackson suggests that parents intervene quickly with calming alternatives rather than confronting their child’s anger. This should be accompanied by genuine expressions of empathy, showing that they understand the child’s frustration and guiding them to a more productive response.
Strategy #3: Heal shame with grace
This strategy addresses the problem of self-criticism and anxiety that fuels a child’s angry outbursts by encouraging them to view themselves as recipients of God’s grace and compassion. This strategy, the Jacksons maintain, will transform parents and children so that we can experience relationships filled with the joy of being forgiven instead of the shame of repeated failure.
In this post I have only tried to summarize the main themes of the helping kids with ANGER booklet without offering any value judgments. Next time I plan to offer a critical evaluation of these insights and strategies and the worldview out of which they grow.