What’s good in the ebook helping kids with ANGER published by a ministry called Connected Families and authored by Jim and Lynne Jackson? There are several positive things to note among the insights and strategies offered in this “Gentle Parenting” resource.
Judgments keep us stuck
None of us lives in a vacuum. What others do and how they act toward us impacts how we experience the world and the emotions we feel. This is just as true for our children as it is for us as parents, so it is very helpful for us to consider just how we respond when our child becomes angry. If our thoughts toward them are only negative and accusing (even if we do not say this in their hearing), we may fuel their anger and isolation rather than help them learn how to express their feelings in a more productive way.
Jackson offers some helpful self-evaluation questions for parents:
- What do I feel when my child gets angry?
- What recurring thoughts do I have?
- What’s it like to be my child on the receiving end of those feelings and thoughts?
- What would be some grace-filled “loop tapes” I would like to hold on to when my child struggles with anger?
Sensory overload feeds anger
It is important for us to consider what is going on inside our children (to whatever extent we can) when they have a tantrum. There may indeed be many different reasons for an angry outburst; kids may be tired, hungry (or have a blood-sugar imbalance), angry about something else on their minds, or just be very sensitive. Jackson says, “Understanding increases empathy, and when we empathize, we are calmer, our child is calmer, and we can more creatively develop healthy, effective solutions.”
Kids need skills to manage anger
Human beings are not born with the innate ability to communicate effectively or appropriately, and it is the responsibility of parents to teach this to their children. We must show them anger can be useful, if it is displayed in constructive and respectful ways. It will take many years of patient instruction, training, modeling, compassion, and love to help our children learn to control this very powerful emotion.1 “This is a long, messy process, with lots of steps backwards between the forward progress,” Jackson says. “We’ve seen repeatedly that when parents take a compassionate skill-building approach, significant change happens over time. Just like learning a sport, kids need to learn and practice skills outside of ‘game time’ in order to access those skills when the pressure is on.”
Build “addiction-busting” skills
There are several very helpful suggestions here to equip parents as we guide our children to understand their anger and respond positively instead of in destructive ways. If anger is merely a shield to hide more vulnerable feelings, we need to help our children know that it is safe to share those sensitive emotions. They may feel anxious, ashamed, disappointed, rejected, sad, or embarrassed, and they need to know that we will listen and help them to communicate honestly.
Jackson describes a simple activity for helping very young children identify and express unhappy emotions that they might be tempted to cover with anger. She also recommends setting an example for your kids by sharing your own emotions with them and working this exercise into casual conversations. Here’s a prompt she gives that might be useful with your child: “You seem really angry! I feel that way sometimes. Do you think there’s another emotion under your anger? Figuring that out could help us make things better.”
Here’s another set of self-evaluation questions for parents:
- What vulnerable emotions might I be hiding under my own anger?
- How could I share what I’m learning with my kids?
- Based on their age and interests, how might my child best learn these concepts?
- What can I do to create a general atmosphere of safety in our home regarding vulnerable emotions?
Another helpful suggestion relates to hurtful things that others say to or about us. Jackson explains that we can teach our kids to evaluate whether things people say to them are trash, truth, or treasure. Trash are things which are false and should be discarded, like petty insults or unfair criticism. Truth may be difficult to receive, but it is important that our kids learn how to accept what is true, even if it is spoken in a way that is hard to hear. Treasure is words which fill our kids’ hearts with confidence, as in times when they are recognized for hard work or shown a special kindness. Jackson sums the point up: “Instead of reacting in anger, they can discard trash, grow in response to the truth about them, and receive and value ‘treasure words.’”
Heal shame with grace
The final point of the ebook focuses on the subject of God’s grace, and how his compassion and love transforms us. Jackson reminds us, “God loves us so much, even when we are the most angry. We can turn to him anytime, admit what we’ve done, and get his mercy and help.” This is important both for parents and for children, because we all have fallen far short of God’s purpose. As parents we must continually return to the fountain of grace to learn to die to ourselves and love our children as God does. And our children need to know that there is unfailing mercy and forgiveness in Jesus; no matter how angry they feel, his Spirit will enable them to do what is right.