After writing about Proverbs 26:4-5 and its application to internet trolls, I began to think about more of Solomon’s wise sayings that can help us deal with digital interactions. The more that I searched the book of Proverbs, the more I found that seemed to fit the need of our social media environment. Let’s take a look at a few that I have found useful in deciding when and how to engage with others, especially on controversial subjects like politics and theology.
So what if some random person online says something foolish? Does it really concern you?
Every social media app uses a proprietary set of guidelines intended to feed you information that will be likely to capture your attention. They do this in order to drive engagement, because they know that the more engaged you become, the more time you will spend on their site. They have spent billions studying human behavior to keep us from logging off and finding something more productive to do. One of the best tools for this is outrage: you see someone making an obviously false and, in your opinion, patently absurd statement that practically cries out for correction. This does not happen by chance; it is a carefully crafted trigger meant to get you to jump into an argument, often with someone you do not know and are unlikely to ever meet.
If it was easy, everyone would be wise.
Godly wisdom is superior to the Facebook algorithm: “Like one who takes a dog by the ears is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him” (Prov. 26:17). Have you ever intentionally grabbed a dog by the ears? If you have, you’ll probably never do it again, and if you have not, I don’t recommend you try. The best case scenario is you’ll get a bite on your hand; the worst case is a full blown attack – and don’t blame the dog, he’s merely defending himself! It is the same with strife that doesn’t belong to you. So what if some random person online says something foolish? Does it really concern you? Many times I have deleted comments I drafted without ever hitting “post,” because I realized that this just wasn’t my fight. That random stranger on the internet was not going to be convinced by my clever wit or my enthusiasm for truth as I see it.
In many cases this problem can be avoided if we just take the time to think before we engage. Do I really understand what he is saying? Am I reading his words in the best possible light, or assuming a bad motive? Does he intend to make a categorical statement, or is he just making a simple observation? Is there any real benefit to my getting involved here? Will he be likely to respond favorably by listening? Proverbs 29:20 warns, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Responding impulsively is usually unwise, but if we take the time to think before we speak, our words are more likely to carry weight and receive a positive response. “A man has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23).
But what happens if you’ve made the mistake of sending that initial response, and now you find yourself embroiled in an argument that is producing more heat than light? That is probably a good time to apply Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This can be very difficult to do, but no one ever said that wisdom was easy. Remember that godly wisdom involves maturity, self-control, and the fear of the Lord. If it was easy, everyone would be wise, but the world is full of rebels who daily oppose the Creator’s wisdom. This is the definition of foolishness, like a mechanic who completely ignores the engine specifications sent by the manufacturer or a baker who scoffs at the time-tested recipe and measures ingredients by how he feels at the time. If you want to be a fool, then keep on arguing; if wise, then respond with gentle words.
The very next verse teaches us that some conflicts cannot be avoided merely by using gentle words: “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly” (15:2). The fool’s mouth is a like an artesian spring, constantly bubbling up with foolish words. He can’t help himself, and “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (10:19). This is what is behind the troll, who loves to hear his own voice and compulsively speaks destructive and sinful things. Can you correct him successfully? It’s not very likely: “Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words” (23:9).
When you recognize that you are dealing with a fool, two things are necessary. First, you want to avoid becoming like him. This is the danger we considered in 26:4, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will also be like him.” Don’t speak impulsively or yield to the temptation to give full vent to your feelings: “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back” (29:11). Second, if you do respond to him, remember to speak gentle words and do not become so invested that you cannot walk away if it becomes clear that you are just wasting your words. If you reprove a scoffer, “he will hate you” (9:8), and “a scoffer does not listen to rebuke” (13:1). Foolishness is so deeply ingrained in him that, “Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him” (27:22).
My parents have talked about their experience as newlyweds just learning to live together as a married couple. Mom says that on more than one occasion she would become really frustrated with my dad and would try to start an argument, but as someone once said, “You don’t have to attend every argument to which you are invited,” and my dad would simply refuse to argue. She says that would usually increase her level of irritation, but that was merely a happy byproduct, not his goal. He was exercising another vital wisdom principle especially in our digital age: “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife” (26:20-21).
Now these verses are really focused on a specific kind of fool, one who whispers gossip and slander, and who is looking to start a fight. The imagery is very graphic: fire cannot survive without fuel, and neither can conflict survive unless someone is determined to keep it going. So the most obvious application is don’t be the kind of fool who goes about spreading or listening to gossip. But there is another aspect that I think better applies to what we have been discussing, and it is the issue of contention. The first verse says that contention depends on slander or gossip in order to continue, and the second says that the contentious person lives to stir up trouble.
With respect to the question of our digital interactions, we are often in a position to continue pouring fuel on the fire or starving the flame by choosing simply to disengage. You are always free to walk away from an argument – even one that you got into foolishly – and simply let the matter drop. This means you will probably have to give your opponent the last word. (He may see this as you conceding, but if it defuses the conflict and untangles you from an endless and hopeless contest, this is really a small price to pay – after all, it is only your pride that is at stake.) While it is not found among the Proverbs of Solomon, I think these words of the apostle Paul are a fitting conclusion: “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:17-18, 21).