Over the past several months, we have surveyed the Bible’s teaching on marriage, focusing on the special subjects of divorce and remarriage as well as God’s intention for how married couples ought to live. The final passage that we will examine concerning the relationship between husbands and wives is found in 1 Peter 3. He begins by instructing the wives:
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.
1 Peter 3:1-2
These first two statements are not new. Paul also told wives to submit to their own husbands in Ephesians 5:22-24 and Colossians 3:18, and he encouraged Christian wives to remain faithful to their unsaved husbands in the hope of leading them to salvation in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. So what Peter says here is consistent with the teaching of the rest of Scripture, but then he goes farther:
Do not let your adornment be merely outward–arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel–rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
1 Peter 3:3-4
Peter is still speaking to believing wives with unsaved husbands, but certainly his words apply to all Christian women, when he says that your focus should be on the inner person rather than merely on external adornments. This sentiment, too, is echoed by the apostle Paul:
…in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works….Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.
1 Timothy 2:0-10, 15
While it is true that 1 Timothy and 1 Peter are speaking to women in different contexts, they both teach that it is more important for a Christian woman to develop godly character than an attractive image. A Christian wife, Peter says, has an incredible opportunity to be a testimony to her unsaved husband when she focuses on the internal qualities of gentleness and peace rather than on her external beauty. If she lives a life of purity and reverence for the Lord, her behavior itself will be a powerful testimony to her spouse, so that she will not even have to say a word to communicate the glorious transformation that God’s grace has wrought since she became a Christian.
Now Peter is not in any way promising that if you are a godly wife and you submit to your unsaved husband, that he will come to faith in Christ. He is not promising even that your obedience to God and gentle spirit toward your husband will result in a peaceful home. Could there be negative consequences in your life and family as a result of your growing more and more like Christ, while your husband continues to live and act like an unsaved person? Yes. But Peter closes his instruction to wives by pointing to the example of godly women of preceding generations:
For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
1 Peter 3:5-6
Rather than focusing on what might go wrong if you submit to your husband and seek to obey the Lord, Peter reminds us to fear the Lord rather than men. This was the example set by holy women in former times, who trusted the Lord, submitted themselves to their own husbands, and adorned themselves with godliness. They are the model for women of every generation.
Finally, Peter turns his attention to how husbands ought to treat their wives in v.7: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” He says first that husbands are to live with their wives “in an understanding way.” This means, at least, that a godly husband cannot be disinterested in the needs, attitudes, and interests of his wife. He must seek to know her and understand her, specifically recognizing that she is “the weaker vessel.” This speaks both of her being physically weaker and in the weaker position in the marriage. Husbands must be careful to protect their wives but also to show honor and elevate them rather than use their position of strength to manipulate, take advantage of, or abuse them.
But while in some ways a wife may be considered “the weaker vessel,” Peter also says that she is her husband’s spiritual equal, that is, both husband and wife stand on equal footing as believers in Jesus Christ. Each will receive the same inheritance of eternal life, and in heaven, there will be no distinction. The failure to show honor to one’s wife and to treat her as an equal heir of God’s grace will result in the husband’s prayers being hindered. Men, we must believe that we will suffer very real, spiritual consequences if we fail to treat our wives as God’s word instructs. To be domineering or abusive is to cut ourselves off from the grace of God and access to him in prayer. This stern warning ought to cause us all, both husbands and wives, to consider carefully our obedience to the truth. Let us, by God’s grace, obey the Bible’s clear teaching as we live out our Christian lives before an unbelieving world and set an example for our children and our neighbors by doing marriage God’s way.