The life of Abraham presents us with some great truths on which to meditate, not the least of which is the creative power of God. When the Lord spoke promises to Abraham about making him a powerful nation, giving him great renown, multiplying his offspring like the stars in the night sky, and giving his descendants the land of Canaan, these were impossibilities based on things which did not yet exist. And we rightly honor Abraham for believing what God had promised, even though there was no evidence other than the word of the Lord.
It is worth considering whether we, too, will believe God’s word, when there is as yet no evidence of its fulfillment anywhere in sight. What I am referring to is the question we asked previously about marriage, and specifically about whether Christians ought to marry unbelievers or those outside their theological tradition.
- Does it really matter whom you marry? It matters a great deal.
- Should Christians marry non-Christians? Absolutely not. This is clear both from biblical example and direct teaching.
But what if there aren’t any good prospects for marriage in your local church or nearby sister congregations? It’s possible that you are committed to marrying someone who is also a Christian, yet, try as you might, you can’t find an eligible young man or woman for a spouse. This is especially challenging for those who belong to a small church. According to recent surveys about 70% of churches in the US have fewer than 100 in attendance, so if you’re in one of those congregations, members of the opposite sex who are available and of marriageable age will be few and far between. So what should you do?
Nowhere in Scripture does God commit himself to give you what you desire.
First, remember Abraham. When God told him he would make him a great nation, he did not have any children. His wife, Sarah, had been unable to conceive, and there were no medical technologies to assist the reproductive process. In short, they were given an impossible promise. The only way that promise could be fulfilled was for God to do something either by miracle or divine providence to supply the need. And that was precisely what Abraham and Sarah were called to believe, no matter how unlikely.
Now we must admit that God has not promised to give you a Christian spouse. In fact, God has not promised to give you a spouse at all. This is something which every unmarried person needs to keep in mind. While you may have a desire to be married, there is nowhere in Scripture where God has committed himself to giving you what you desire. If the Lord providentially keeps you single, will you be willing to embrace his good plan for your life? This is not an empty question; it is necessary to see whether you have made having a husband or wife an idol without which you cannot be satisfied. I do not pretend that it would be easy to remain single when you want to be married, but by God’s grace his children are called to do all sorts of impossible things.
If you are willing to trust God in the matter of finding a spouse, then you must be willing to accept singleness, if that is his plan. On the other hand, the Lord is able to provide a spouse through his good providence even where the selection, for lack of a better term, is limited or nonexistent. Stories abound of how God has brought couples together through unlikely circumstances. This does not mean that you will have such a story, but we must learn to rely on God’s good providence instead of ourselves, and if you are truly committed to marrying a believer, you must also be willing to wait for the Lord to provide. While he has not promised you a spouse, if it is his will for you to be married, then he will not leave you without hope of a believing spouse. He certainly will not lead you to marry an unbeliever, just because no Christian prospects seem to be available to you.
By God’s grace his children are called to do all sorts of impossible things.
Should you look outside of your tradition to find a suitable spouse? Or to rephrase this important question: How closely must the beliefs of a potential Christian spouse align with my own? That depends. How much disagreement are you willing to tolerate in this most intimate of all human relationships? In desperation, some may be willing to reach far outside their own tradition to find a spouse who is at least a believer.
While I cannot say that marrying a believer from a different Christian tradition is wrong (assuming he or she is indeed born again by faith alone in Christ alone), this should not be undertaken lightly. The various denominations have not arisen because Christians thought it would be fun to go to different houses of worship. They came about because of differences in doctrine and practice which make cooperation difficult, if not impossible. For example, Baptists refuse to baptize infants, while Presbyterians believe that infant baptism is taught by necessary inference from Scripture. It is impossible for a church to practice both the baptism of believers only and infants. This is one reason why the two denominations exist.
The same thing would be true in a home where one spouse believed the church should be made up only of regenerate and immersed persons, while the other thought that covenant children should be included. Can this tension be overcome? Only by one or the other making a compromise on an important point of faith.1 But if you are willing to yield on some distinctive point of doctrine in order to appease a potential spouse, then it is doubtful how seriously you hold to that doctrine in the first place. Perhaps you should just join the other tradition. But then, why should your spouse not let go of his/her tradition and embrace yours? While we should like to think that the Bible is the final judge of this decision, experience tells me this is rarely the case, and a watering-down of doctrinal commitment is the usual result.
Where does this leave us? As a matter of obedience to God, you must marry only another Christian. But as a matter of biblical wisdom, unity of faith is important in establishing marital oneness. As the prophet Amos famously said, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” Or consider this wisdom from Solomon, who knew a thing or two about marriage: “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9). If you do look outside your faith tradition to find a spouse, you may find a believer who loves and worships the Lord – good! ? but you may also get conflict and quarrels in the deal. Be sure that the one you choose is not quarrelsome, or you’ll face days and nights of strife. How much better to wait patiently, trusting the Lord to provide a helper fit for you, as he did for Adam in the garden.
1This touches on a more complex discussion about the limits and boundaries of Christian fellowship, a subject that is far too broad to address in this post.